# Misc Quotes & Bumper Stickers

> "It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations." — Winston Churchill.

The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources. Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.

> "Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies of it." — E.B.White (1899-1985).

> "The gods too are fond of a joke." — Aristotle (384-322 B.C.).

On this page:

- Politics
- Religion
- Murphy's laws
- Aphorisms
- Work
- Mind
- Huh ?

## Politics

> "The Union of Concerned Scientists says the Bush administration manipulates and suppresses science. The administration points out that the Union of Bought and Paid for Scientists disagrees." — fark.com.

> "We traded in a whoremonger for a warmonger, and some people think that's progress."

> "They were going to call it 'Operation Iraqi Liberation' — but then they realized that the acronym would be OIL."

> "You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war !" — Chris Rock, March 2003.

> "Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner."

> "Unfortunately, democracies can't give the people what they want, but just a list of persons to pick from." — David Kastrup.

> "Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason."

> "Government is powerless to protect you, not powerless to punish you." — Chief Wiggum.

> "The thinking it took to get us into this mess is not the same thinking that is going to get us out of it." — Albert Einstein.

> "The kinds of people who are willing to fight for power tend to be precisely the kinds of people that you don't want in power." — The leaders' paradox.

> "Sure, the government lies and the media lies, but in a democracy, they're different lies."

> "If you are not communist when you are 20, then you have no heart.
> If you are still communist when you are 40, then you have no brains."

> "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries." — Winston Churchill.

> "Campaign contribution is the same as if you tried to hand a cop a twenty before breaking the law. There are laws against bribery in some contexts, why do we allow it in more important contexts ?"

> "Libertarians are Republicans that like getting high and watching porn.
> Greens are Democrats that can't get a trade union job or don't work at all."

> "Ideology /n./ A system of ideas and beliefs that commonly supplants reality among weaker minds. Syn: Bullshit."

> "A bureaucracy is like a septic tank — all the really big shits float to the top."

> "A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep up with yesterday."

> "Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's." — Winston Hal Hickman.

> "Politicians do it to everyone."

> "Democrats eat the fish they catch.
> Republicans hang them on the wall."

> "It is a socialist idea that making profits is a vice; I consider the real vice is making losses." — Winston Churchill.

> "If voting could really change things, it would be illegal." — Revolution Books. New York.

> "Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." — P. J. O'Rourke

> "Government is really good at only one thing, and that is to break your leg, then hand you a crutch and say: 'Look, if it weren't for the government you wouldn't be able to walk'." — Harry Browne

> "We have laws about that so that when people like you are in power, I'm safe, and when people like me are in power, you're safe."

> "A communist is like a crocodile: when it opens its mouth you cannot tell whether it is trying to smile or preparing to eat you up." — Winston Churchill.

> "If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." — Anatole France.

> "Man is a thinking animal, a talking animal, a toolmaking animal, a building animal, a political animal, a fantasizing animal. But, in the twilight of a civilization he is chiefly a taxpaying animal." — Hugh MacLennan.

> "In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock." — Orson Welles (1915-1985).

> "The election is not a time to discuss serious issues." — Kim Campbell.

> "The greater the number of laws and enactments, the more thieves and robbers there will be." — Lao-tzu (604-531 B.C.)

> "The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all." — H.L. Menken.

> "Justice is a vending machine that only takes $10 000 coins, usually a lot of them. And sometimes the chocolate bar still gets stuck."

> "The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter." — Winston Churchill.

> "What we need is either less corruption or more chance to participate in it."

> "Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen." — Bob Edwards.

> "This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future." — Adolf Hitler, 1935 [most likely fake quote].

> "What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country." — Bill Maher.

> "I believe the current fashion among right-wing nutters is to create a website with the names and addresses of the people who have, by reason of having a functioning cerebellum, pissed off the RWNs."

> "Television is democracy at its ugliest." — Paddy Chayevsky.

> "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." — Jack Mayberry.

> "I used to say that politics is the second oldest profession, and I have come to know that it bears a gross similarity to the first." — Ronald Reagan (1988-2004).

> "In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished coloring one." — Jonathan Hunt (1938- ), New Zealand politician.

> "A triumph of the embalmer's art." — Gore Vidal (1925- ), US novelist. Referring to Ronald Reagan.

> "The taxpayer: Someone who works for the government but doesn't have to take a civil service examination." — Ronald Reagan (1988-2004).

> "We can look forward to four more years of wonderful, inspirational speeches full of wit, poetry, music, love and affection, plus more goddamn nonsense." — David Brinkley, ABC News, after Clinton clinched his re-election..

> "In politics stupidity is not a handicap." — Napoleon Bonaparte.

> "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." — Ashleigh Brilliant.

> "Say what you have to say, not what you ought." — Henry David Thoreau.

> "It may have to do with America's racial diversity..." — Charleton Heston, when asked in Bowling for Columbine why there were over 11 000 deaths due to gun violence in America, compared with less than 300 in Canada, and less than 100 in Japan.

> "My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, 'My mother, drunk or sober'." — G. K. Chesterton.

> "You can not get ahead while you are getting even." — Rep. Dick Armey.

> "Leadership is a potent combination of strategy and character. But if you must be without one, be without the strategy." — Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf.

> "Vote early and vote often." — Al Capone.

> "In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant." — Charles de Gaulle.

> "A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time." — Alfred E. Wiggam.

> "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." — Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery.

> "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing — after they've tried everything else." — Winston Churchill.

> "America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable." — Hunter S. Thompson, 'Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail'.

> "America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." — Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929), French statesman.

> "Nothing is more annoying in the ordinary intercourse of life than this irritable patriotism of the Americans. A foreigner will gladly agree to praise much in their country, but he would like to be allowed to criticize something, and that he is absolutely refused." — Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy in America (1831).

> "Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions." — Albert Einstein.

> "All our lauded technological progress — our very civilization — is like the axe in the hand of the pathological criminal." — Albert Einstein.

> "He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder." — Albert Einstein.

> "Sure you can trust your government... Just ask an Indian." — Helmet Sticker.

> "Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." — Ronald Reagan (1988-2004).

> "The budget should be balanced, the treasury refilled, public debt reduced, the arrogance of officialdom tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt." — Cicero.

> "Suffer corporations to become your equals, and they will become your superiors." — Cato the Elder.

> "It was a charming fantasy of romantics that the spies would stop spying, that political conflict would end and politicians would tell the truth. Unfortunately that has not been the case." — John Le Carre, spy novelist, about not lacking source material in the post-Cold War era.

> "In front of a bully, the truth will set your teeth free."

> "Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth."

> "— Dad, I decided to quit college and take up a life of crime.
> — That's nice son, government or politics ?"

> "An empty stomach is not a good political advisor." — Albert Einstein.

> "Force always attracts men of low morality, and I believe it to be an invariable rule that tyrants of genius are succeeded by scoundrels." — Albert Einstein.

> "Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race." — Albert Einstein.

> "Ever since the end of 2001, we could solve the world's energy problems if we could just harness the rotational energy coming from Orwell's grave..." — Jason Giglio.

## Religion

> "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." — Buddha.

> "If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated." — Voltaire (1694-1778).

> "Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages."

> "These are my opinions. If they were the Biblical truth, your bushes would be burning."

> "A cult is a religion with no political power." — Tom Wolfe.

> "A religion is a cult that succeded."

> "If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in His name, He'd never stop throwing up." — Frederick in Hannah and Her Sisters (1986).

> "Religion is to brain what tapeworm is to intestine."

> "A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle."

> "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine." — Patti Smith.

> "Religion is a magic device for turning unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers." — Art Gecko.

> "The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher.

> "At the time of Caliph Omar's invasion of Egypt, the Arab officer on duty in the destruction of the library of Alexandria used two stamps with which he marked the books. One said: 'Does not agree with the Koran — heretic, must be burned'. The other said: 'Agrees with the Koran — superfluous, must be burned'." — Nils Kjaer.

> "Unique among the nations, America recognized the source of our character as being godly and eternal, not being civic and temporal. And because we have understood that our source is eternal, America has been different. We have no king but Jesus." — John Ashcroft, speech at Bob Jones university.

> "In his press conference the other night, President Bush said freedom is a gift from the Almighty, and we have been called by God to use our military power to spread freedom throughout the world. Then he called that Sadr guy in Iraq a religious nutcase." — G.W. Bush, quoted by Jay Leno.

> "God is just a statistics." — Marilyn Manson.

> "A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday." — Thomas Ybarra.

> "Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents."

> "If atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby."

> "I once asked a distinguished astronomer, a fellow of my college, to explain the big bang theory to me. He did so to the best of his (and my) ability, and I then asked what it was about the fundamental laws of physics that made the spontaneous origin of space and time possible. 'Ah,' he smiled, 'now we move beyond the realm of science. This is where I have to hand you over to our good friend, the chaplain'. But why the chaplain ? Why not the gardener or the chef ? Of course chaplains, unlike chefs and gardeners, claim to have some insight into ultimate questions. But what reason have we ever been given for taking their claims seriously ?" — Richard Dawkins.

> "When did I realize I was God ? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."

> "Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." — Chapman Cohen.

> "Sure, I love fairy tales." — Tool vocalist Maynard James Keenan when asked about whether or not he reads the bible.

> "I am an atheist, out and out. It took me a long time to say it. I've been an atheist for years and years, but somehow I felt it was intellectually unrespectable to say that one is an atheist, because it assumed knowledge that one didn't have. Somehow it was better to say one was a humanist or agnostic. I don't have the evidence to prove that God doesn't exist, but I so strongly suspect that he doesn't that I don't want to waste my time." — Isaac Asimov.

> "If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible." — From Scott Adams' Holiday Thoughts, 2003.

> "My bible thumping cousin once claimed that Jesus must have risen from the dead since thousands of people saw him after the resurection. I simply pointed out that if that was the case then Elvis should be deified because thousands of people have seen him in McDonalds since 1977." — Rand Race.

> "Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion." — Robert Burton.

> "The command, 'Be fruitful and multiply', was promulgated, according to our authorities, when the population of the world consisted of two persons." — Dean William R. Inge.

> "1. He called everyone 'brother'
> 2. He liked Gospel
> 3. He couldn't get a fair trial." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black.

> "1. He went into His Fathers business.
> 2. He lived at home until he was 33.
> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.

> "1. He talked with his hands.
> 2. He had wine with every meal.
> 3. He used olive oil." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian.

> "1. He never cut his hair.
> 2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
> 3. He started a new religion." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Californian.

> "1. He never got married.
> 2. He was always telling stories
> 3. He loved green pastures." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Irish.

> "1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
> 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
> 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do." — 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman.

> "Water into Wine' and 'Loaves and Fishes' were pretty good, but 'Oregano into Primo Mexican Weed' was truly impressive." — Top miracle not mentioned in the Bible.

> "Religion is a cow. It gives milk, but it also kicks." — Buddha

> "Religious belief is a mental illness. A contagious one."

> "The Bible is probably the most genocidal book ever written." — Noam Chomsky.

> "Well, you could become a Southern Baptist. I mean, instead of having to obey the Pope, you could just obey your husband." — Arianna Huffington about papal infallibility.

> "God used to be the best explanation we'd got, and we've now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining." — Douglas Adams.

> "I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day." — Douglas Adams.

> "Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning." — Bill Gates.

> "It's funny — people think analysis or psychiatry is mad, and THEY go to CHURCH..." — John Malkovich.

> "Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science." — Gary Zukav, The Dancing Wu Li Masters.

> "Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." — Andre Gide.

> "In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: 'Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous'. And God granted it." — Voltaire.

> "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." — W.C. Fields.

> "And of all plagues with which mankind are curst, Ecclesiastic tyranny's the worst." — Daniel Defoe (1660—1731), British journalist and writer.

> "This would be the best of all possible worlds if there were no religion in it." — John Adams, 2nd president of the U.S.

> The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." — G.K. Chesterton.

> "What have been the fruits of Christianity ? Superstition, bigotry and persecution." — James Madison, 4th president of the U.S.

> "ZEUS /n./ The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog." — Ambrose Bierce.

> "Q: How do you get holy water ?
> A: You boil the hell out of it."

> "There's a Bible on that shelf there. But I keep it next to Voltaire — poison and antidote." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970) British philosopher.

> "The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself." — Sir Richard Burton.

> "Most of the religions have exhibited a perverse talent for taking the wrong side on the most important concepts in the material universe, from the structure of the solar system to the origin of man."

> "Wasn't the bible written by the same people who said the Earth was flat ?"

> "When did ignorance become a point of view ? — Scott Adams.

> "Faith can move mountains; true: mountains of stupidity." — André Gide, French writer (Nobel prize 1947).

> "I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of... Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and for my own part, I disbelieve them all." — Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason.

> "Religion is a bandage that man has invented to protect a soul made bloody by circumstance." — Theodore Herman Albert Dreiser (1871-1945).

> "I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability." — Oscar Wilde.

> "Rumour has it that only 3 commandments were offered initially. When it was determined that it was for free, well..."

> "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." — Winston Churchill

> "The most basic reason why God could not do it is because the concept of God requires humans to exist."

> "If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons ?"

> "A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case." — Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936).

> "Jesus loves you, but personally I think you are an asshole."

> "He is YOUR god
> They are YOUR rules
> YOU burn in hell."

> "Jehovah's Witnesses coupled with 'OH NO !' are universal to all languages and cultures."

> "Mankind will only really be free, once the last king was strangled with the entrails of the last priest." — Jean Meslier ( -1729), French priest, in a letter he left after his death.

> "Whenever books are burned men also in the end are burned." — Heinrich Heine.

> "Humanity's first sin was faith; the first virtue was doubt." — Mike Huben.

> "An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks he has a proof that there can't be a god. He only has to be someone who believes that the evidence on the God question is at a similar level to the evidence on the werewolf question." — John McCarthy, inventor of Lisp.

> "An Atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support." — John Buchan (1875-1940).

> "Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them ?" — Jules Feiffer.

> "If God were a liberal, he would have given Moses the Ten Suggestions."

> "A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal."

> "If only God would give me a clear sign ! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." — Woody Allen.

> "It's too early for a Polish pope." — Karol Wojtyla, two days before being elected Pope John Paul II.

> "The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible." — Mark Twain.

> "Jesus never heard of Beethoven and Bach. Why aren't we playing more country music in church ?" — Tex Sample, St. Paul School of Theology (Kansas City).

> "O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet." — St. Augustine (354-430 A.D.).

> "When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe ?'" — Quentin Crisp

> "In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light'.
> And there was still nothing. But, you could see it."

> "God must love stupid people... He made so MANY of them !"

> "I'm strictly against people being allowed to declare a religious affiliation they are not even capable of spelling correctly." — David Kastrup.

> "Why do most forms of swearing reference either deities or genitals ?"

> "Q: What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys ?
> A: We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving !"

> "Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles. That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public."

> "There is no difference between someone who eats too little and sees Heaven and someone who drinks too much and sees snakes." — Bertrand Russell.

> "Atheism is a non-prophet organization." — Bumper sticker.

> "Oh Lord, Deliver me from thy followers." — Bumper sticker.

> "Puritanism /n./: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy"

> "There ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk." — Bumper sticker.

> "Where there is no religion, hypocrisy becomes good taste." — George Bernard Shaw.

> "When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." — Thanks to Dan Gadino.

> "There are three ways a man can be ruined: women, gambling, and farming. My father chose the most boring." — Pope John XXIII. 1881-1963.

> "The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." — Elizabeth Taylor.

> "So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence." — Bertrand Russell.

> "Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons" — Dennis Miller.

> "MILITANT AGNOSTIC: I Don't Know And You Don't Either." — Bumper sticker.

> "Sorry I missed church... I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian." — Bumper sticker.

> In big print: "Jesus Loves You"
> In fine print: "Everybody else thinks you're an asshole" — Bumper sticker.

> Jehova witness: "But sir, don't you want eternal life ?
> —Yeah, but not if it's gonna be with a bunch of Jehovah Witnesses, I mean what kind of heaven is that ?" — Classic 'how to get rid of JW' trick.

> "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." — Mark Twain.

> "History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion — i.e., none to speak of." — Lazarus Long.

> "I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God." — President George Bush, August 27, 1988.

> "Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest." — Jimmy Swaggart, TV preacher, self-described pornography addict who paid prostitutes to commit "pornographic acts"; hypocrite.

> "Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves." — Lord Byron.

> "Q: How do you play religious roulette ?
> A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first."

> "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." — Woody Allen.

> "I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing."

> "If God really wanted us to watch those Sunday morning religious shows, he'd make their reception better than the cartoons on the other channels." — Michael E. Nelson.

> "Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis." — Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics made no mention of God.

> "If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to a garage make you a car ?" — Bumper sticker.

> "One should not go into churches if one wants to breathe pure air." — Friedrich Nietzsche.

> "If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." — Thomas Szasy.

> "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older — then it dawned on me... they are cramming for their finals !"

> "Christianity, as many religions, was just dreamed up by a couple people with really good imaginations, a lot of time on their hands, and even some "herbal" help. I mean, who would dream up half of that crap without being totally baked ?" — Jillian A. Spencer.

> "I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." — Stephen F Roberts.

> "I have encountered a few 'creationists' and because they were usually nice, intelligent people, I have been unable to decide whether they were really mad or only pretending to be mad. If I was a religious person, I would consider creationism nothing less than blasphemy. Do its adherents imagine that God is a cosmic hoaxer who has created the whole vast fossil record for the sole purpose of misleading humankind ?" — Arthur C. Clarke.

> "Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing: 'does not!'" — Dr.Pepper.

> "If those folks in Kansas are right about evolution never having happened, I sure hope it happens soon." — Michael Sheinbaum.

> "The creationists have this creator who is evil, who is small-minded, who is malevolent, and who is not very bright and can't even get his science right. Creationists have made their creator in their own image, in my view." — Ian Plimer, The Skeptic.

> "Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion." — Stephen Wright.

> "— Quotations are taken from the Authorized Version (1611) of the Bible unless otherwise stated.
> — What do you mean ? There are unauthorized versions ? And who's checking ? God ?" — Me.

> "I refuse to prove that I exist" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing."
> "Oh," says man, "but the Babel Fish is a dead give-away, isn't it? It proves You exist, and so therefore You don't. Q.E.D."
> "Oh, I hadn't thought of that." says God, who promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. — Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

> "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea as it eliminates any genetic tendencies towards fanaticism." — Carl Sagan.

> "Nuke an unborn gay whale for Jesus." — Bumper sticker.

> "I have no problems insulting your faith because faith is quite simply dumb."

More quotes about religion (or lack thereof) are found there.

## Murphy's laws

> "Something tells me that they probably screwed up and named Murphy's Law after the wrong guy." — Doug Finney.

> "Everybody must believe in something.... I believe I'll have another drink." — Murphy (of Murphy's law fame).

> "enythink thiT ken Go rong willl." — Morfy's law.

> "A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."

> "Danm my spel cheker,"

> "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where did I go wrong ?'
> Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night'." — Charlie Brown.

> "You can't fall off the floor." — Paul's Law.

> "If we see light at the end of the tunnel it is probably the light of an oncoming train. — Robert Lowell (1917-77), US poet.

> "Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."

> "Virtue is its own punishment."

> "If the shoe fits, it's ugly."

> "Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." — Erma Bombeck.

> "A closed mouth gathers no feet."

## Aphorisms

> "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." — Mark Twain.

> "Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with..."

> "The world is run by C students."

> "Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it."

> "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

> "On the other hand, you have different fingers." — Steven Wright.

> "You know that the outhouse is in the right place if it seems too close in summer and too far in winter."

> "When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say."

> "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." — Robert A. Heinlein.

> "The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes." — Stephen Wright.

> "When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane." — Stephen Wright.

> "If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn ?" — Stephen Wright.

> "Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway."

> "Everyone is a genius. It is just that some people are too stupid to realize it."

> "Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date."

> "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something." — Plato.

> "Freedom is just chaos, with better lighting."

> "You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them."

> "Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches."

> "The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests."

> "Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."

> "Omniscience: Talking only about things you know about."

> "If it's true that: 'Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise', why are chickens so poor and stupid ?" — Tim Chambers.

> "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."

> "If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one."

> "You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them."

> "Why doesn't anyone bottle water in Summer, Fall, or Winter ?" — Tim Chambers.

> "Why did Shakespeare use so many famous quotations in his work ?"

> "If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius ?!"

> "Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these." — Ovid (43 BC-18 AD).

> "There are only two ways of telling the complete truth: Anonymously and posthumously." — Thomas Sowell.

> "If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long ?"

> "Qui pisse loin ménage ses chaussures"

## Work

### (A.k.a. Dilbert's Laws of work)

> "All paid employments absorb and degrade the mind." — Aristotle.

> "You're young and you got your health, what do you want with a job ?" — From the movie Raising Arizona.

> "Their theory: 'No work, no pay'.
> My rule: 'No pay, no work'."

> "Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday..."

> "If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'." — Dave Barry.

> "Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion." — Cyril Nortcote Parkinson.

> "Never take a beer to a job interview."

> "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

> "If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs." — William Feather.

> "If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles." — Doug Larson.

> "During job interviews, when they ask: 'What is your worst quality ?', I always say: 'Flatulence'. That way I get my own office." — Dan Thompson

> "I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"

> "If I could lie, I would be in marketing." — Dilbert.

> "There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there." — Indira Gandhi.

> "The CEO's job in a huge company is essentially the same as the Magic 8 Ball: saying yes, no, or maybe, without the benefit of understanding the questions." — Scott Adams (of dilbert fame).

> "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." — Jean Giraudoux.

> "Practice makes perfect, but no one's perfect — so why practice ?" — Billie Joe Armstrong.

> "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." — Robert Orben

> "It's not whether you win or lose; it's how you place the blame."

> "In business, you can be on the right track, but if you don't move fast enough you'll still be run over."

> "Most born executives are people with a parent who started the business."

> "The biggest guns in most corporations are those who have never been fired."

> "A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course."

> "Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero."

> "The first myth of management is that it exists."

> "Talent does what it can; genius does what it must; I do what I am paid to do."

> "You know you are over the hill when work is less fun and fun is more work."

> "Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas."

> "Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else."

> "A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction."

> "Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses."

> "My contribution to productivity at my job is to refrain from giving my co-workers the severe beatings they so richly deserve." — Gene B.

> "So I had this dream yesterday that I was at work... no, wait... I was dreaming yesterday while I was at work. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, long story short: Anybody know of a job opening for a security guard ?" — Steiner Sellers.

> "Word to the wise: When composing an e-mail message to your boss from home late at night, be sure to take inventory of the empty beer cans around you before you press 'send'." — Jumpin' Jack Reynolds.

> "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
> Amen." — Office prayer.

> "I think you should profit from the mistakes of others. You don't live long enough to make them all yourself."

> "No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck."

> "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." — Bumper sticker.

> "The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe."

> "We have all been to those meetings where someone wants 'more than 100%'. Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE ? Begin by noting the following: if A=1, B=2... Z=26. Then:
> H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
> Similarly,
> K N O W L E D G E =
> 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
> But interesting (and as you'd expect),
> A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.
> But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is
> B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
> So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100% !"

> "If it wasn't for the last minute, would anything ever get done ?"

> "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." — Douglas Adams (1952-2001).

> "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

> "Our unemployment rate would be 1.5 percentage points lower if we had as many people sitting in jail as the United States has," — Werner Mueller, economics minister of Germany, 2002.

> "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW." — Bumper sticker.

> "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." — A.H. Weiler.

> "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." — Jerome K. Jerome.

> "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

> "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried."

> "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

> "If at first you DO succeed, pretend you knew what you were doing !"

> "If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything."

> "If at first you don't succeed, your successor will."

> "The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

> "If something's hard to do then it's not worth doing." — Homer Simpson.

> "If something goes wrong... blame the guy who can't speak English." — Homer Simpson.

> "Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." — Homer Simpson.

> "I came; I saw; I fucked up."

> "There's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned." — Homer Simpson.

> "The three little sentences that will get you through life:
> 1- Cover for me.
> 2- Oh, good idea, Boss !
> 3- It was like that when I got here." — Homer Simpson.

> "I used to laugh at my dog: like marking his territory was really gonna keep those other dogs away. But since I started doing it myself, I have to admit that my co-workers seldom come into my cubicle any more." — J. Murphy.

> "I don't suffer from stress...... I'm a carrier." — Bumper sticker.

> "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines" — Stephen Wright.

> "Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese" — Stephen Wright.

> "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy." — Stephen Wright.

> "If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they." — Stephen Wright.

> "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." — Stephen Wright.

> "Many people quit looking for work when they find a job." — Stephen Wright.

> "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." — Bill Arnett.
> Corollary: "Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."

> "If it moves so slowly, why is it called RUSH hour ?"

> "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?" — Charlie McCarthy.

> "A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D.. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." — "Fats" Domino.

> "Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it." — Lord Mancroft (1917-87), British businessman and writer.

> "If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book."
> Corollary: "If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live."

> "I have just run into your car in the parking lot. Several people are watching me and they think I am writing down my name and number..."

> "One of the symptoms of approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970) British philosopher, Autobiography.

> "The man who is waiting for something to turn up might start on his shirt sleeves." — Garth Henrichs.

> "Two Rules For Success:
> 1) Never tell people everything you know."

> "I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
> • take a deep breath
> • count to 10
> • set the boss' wastebasket on fire."

> "Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does."

> "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." — William Shakespeare, Henry VI, Part 2, act ii.

> "If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."

> "A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt."

> "It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do."

> "After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before."

> "The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get."

> "You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard."

> "Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."

> "Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job."

> "When the bosses are talking about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves."

> "There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office."

> "Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under miscellaneous."

> "Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour."

> "To err is human, to forgive is not our policy."

> "Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing."

> "Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail."

> "If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it."

> "You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk."

> "People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't."

> "If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done."

> "At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying."

> "When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried."

> "Following the rules will not get the job done."

> "Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules."

> "When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this ?'"

> "No matter how much you do, you never do enough."

> "The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong."

> Exercise at work:
> • beat around the bush;
> • run around in circles;
> • jump to conclusions;
> • run away from your problems;
> • fly off the handle;
> • climb the corporate ladder;
> • push a pencil;
> • strike any key;
> • etc...

> "Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about." — Green's law of debate

> "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."

> "In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired."

> "When the going gets tough, everyone leaves."

> USEFUL WORK PHRASES:
> 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
> 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
> 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
> 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
> 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
> 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
> 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks !?
> 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
> 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
> 10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
> 11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
> 12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
> 13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
> 14. How about never? Is never good for you ?
> 15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
> 16. You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
> 17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
> 18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
> 19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
> 20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
> 21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
> 22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
> 23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
> 24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
> 25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
> 26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

## Mind

> "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." — William James (1842-1910)

> "Some people are wise, and some are otherwise."

> "Why are wise men, and wise guys the exact opposite ?"

> "People who are smart get into MENSA. People who are really smart look around and leave." — James Randi.

> "I am amazed, o wall, that you have not collapsed and fallen, since you must bear the tedious stupidities of so many scrawlers." — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.

> "Many people would sooner die than think. In fact they do." — Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher.

> "People don't seem to realize that it takes time and effort and preparation to think. Statesmen are far too busy making speeches to think." — Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher.

> "A mind is a terrible thing to waste... That's why I save it for special occasions."

> "Around here, we put the FUN in dysFUNctional."

> "You're so open-minded, your brains fell out."

> "My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."

> "I have an open mind — it's just closed for repairs."

> "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

> "It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled seas of thought." — John K. Galbraith.

> "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." — Bumper sticker.

> "The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality." — Douglas Porter.

> "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." — Emo Phillips.

> "Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you."

> "If you can't impress them with intelligence, baffle 'em with bullshit."

> "Reality ? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from ?" — Bumper sticker.

> "Reality is whatever refuses to go away after I stop believing in it." — Philip K. Dick.

> "There is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment: The human ego." — Marshall Lumsden.

> "Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ?
> A: I don't know and I don't care." — Norman H. Cohen.

> "Arguing with a man who will not produce evidence in support of his position is like arguing with a vegetable." — Aristotle.

> "Never argue with idiots. The just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."

> "Mind Like A Steel Trap — Rusty And Illegal In 37 States" — Stephen Wright.

> "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded." — Stephen Wright.

> "Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film." — Stephen Wright.

> "I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out." — Stephen Wright.

> "In a fight between you and the world, back the world." — Franz Kafka (1883-1924)

> "I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement park ride, it would be really successful. It scares ME half the time and I know what's in it." — R.M. Weiner

> "I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing !"

> "He who laughs last thinks slowest !"

> "Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it."

> "If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic."

> "Okay, who put a 'stop payment' on my reality check ?"

> "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."

> "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

> "If you have half a mind to watch TV, that is enough."

> "I used to have a handle on life, then it broke."

> "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

> "It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."

> "Minds are like parachutes — they only work well when opened."

> "For sincere personal advice and the correct time: phone any number at random at 3am."

> "If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people."

> "Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain."

> "When your IQ rises to 28, sell." — Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler.

> "You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically-abused, cold, dead hand." — Bumper sticker.

> "You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." — Al Capone.

> "Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognises genius." — Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859-1930)

> "Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration." — Thomas Edison (1847-1931)

> "The opinions above are not mine. I stole them all from the person sitting next to me. If you don't like them, I can get you his address and you can kill him."

> "The problem with America is stupidity. Why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself ?"

> "Every once in awhile, walk into a bookstore and buy a magazine devoted to a subject you know nothing about. Read it."

## Huh ?

> "Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." — Groucho Marx.

> "Operator ! Give me the number for 911 !" — Homer Simpson.

> "The mime's opinion was a mute point."

> "What is a 'free' gift ? Aren't all gifts free ?"

> "I know you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I really meant to say."

> "Incontinence hot line, could you please hold..."

> "The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."

> "If you don't like the news, go out and make some." — Bumper sticker.

> "Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work." — Gallagher.

> "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"

> "If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from ?"

> "When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker." — Brad Hamer.

> "How was I supposed to know gasoline didn't put out fires... ?"

> Foot /n./ A device for finding furniture in the dark.

> "Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." — John A. Hrastar.

> The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
> OK, that's lame, here's another one:
> 111 111 111 x 111 111 111 = 12 345 678 987 654 321

> "My Child Is an Average Student at a So-So School You Never Heard Of." — Bumper sticker.

> "My Other Car Also Has This Bumper Sticker."

> "If you cannot read or understand the information on this safety card, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." — Seen on a card in an airline seat pocket.

> Exit /n./ Portion of a means of egress which is separated from all other spaces of the building or structure by construction or equipment as required in this subpart to provide a protected way to travel to the exit discharge.
> Exit discharge /n./ That portion of a means of egress between the termination of an exit and a public way. — Occupational Health and Safety Standards.

> "You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out." — Why Yawning Is Contagious.

> "I've practiced meditation most of my life. It's better than lying around doing nothing." — Tom Sims.

> "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."

> Synonym /nm./: a word you use when you can't pronounce or spell the other one.

> "Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts !"

> "Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn." — Attila the Hun.

> "History teaches us that we learn nothing from history."

> "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." — Winston Churchill.

> "I'm certain that the fans of Shakespeare will tell me I would enjoy his work if only I took the time to understand it. But that's like saying I would love polka music if I took the time to translate it in my head into the sound of a band I like." — Scott Adams (of dilbert fame).

> "American history starts only around 200 B.C. (Before Calvin)."

> "At the grocery store, they have a new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, 'Strip down, face toward me'.
> Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble ?"

> "Cigarettes are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to nicotine patches."

> "Welcome to Arizona... NOW GO HOME !" — Bumper sticker.

> "If you can't eat it nor fuck it, piss on it." — Dog philosophy.

> "When you're hungry, eat.
> When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam.
> When you go to the vet, pee on your owner." — Cat philosophy (Gary Smith).

> "Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man."

> "Optimist /nm./: a Yugo owner with a trailer hitch."

> "Thesaurus /nm./: a dinosaur with an excellent vocabulary."

> "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section ?"
> She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

> You know it's gonna be a bad day when...
> - the sun comes up in the west.
> - you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
> - the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
> - you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
> - your pet rock snaps at you.
> - the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
> - your income tax refund check bounces.
> - you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
> - Suicide Prevention puts you on hold...

> "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you." — Bumper sticker.

> "The world is NOT any worse; it is just that the news coverage is better."

> "I'm glad cavepeople didn't invent television, because they would have just sat around and watched talk shows all day instead of creating tools." — Dave James.

> "When I was little, I stepped on a nail to see if I could bend it with my bare foot. One tetanus shot later, I came to the conclusion that I was not Superman, but a slightly younger, dumber, fatter Batman." — Zach Patterson.

> "Whenever my kids are having trouble at school, I like to tell them about myself when I was a kid. I wasn't very big, I wasn't the smartest, I wasn't the best in sports and, yes, I did get beat-up a lot. Unfortunately, that's where the story ends, so it doesn't usually cheer them up much." — Alf Whit.

> "There are basically three kinds of men. There are the ones who learn by reading. Then there are the few who learn by observation. The rest just have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

> "I've been on helicopters, and I like them because they can land just about anywhere. Which is where I want to land the moment they take off." — Mike Royko.

> "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win or lose." — Darrin Weinberg.

> "People are like sausages: it's what's under the skin that's important. So poke them with a fork periodically."

> "Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting."

> "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."

> "Thank you, but I have other plans." — Response to "Have a nice day" suggested by Paul Fussel.

> "A fortunetelling midget escapes from prison. The headline reads 'Small Medium at Large !'"

> "If indeed there's no such thing as a stupid question, then how do you explain this one ?" — Ed Smith.

> "Why is there so much month left at the end of the money ?"

> Heaven is where :
> • the police are British,
> • the cooks are French,
> • the mechanics are German,
> • the lovers are Italian,
> • and all is organized by the Swiss.
> Hell is where :
> • the police are German,
> • the cooks are British,
> • the mechanics are French,
> • the lovers are Swiss,
> • and all is organized by the Italians !

And one just for you:

> "You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash."

Back to my humor index or my home page.