Assholes Anonymous

Welcome to an all new column. Hopefully, if feedback is positive, every month this column will be used as a forum by drunken asshole bastards everywhere. Enjoy

People are assholes. You, me, your mom, my ex-girlfriend. People. We thrive on it, we live for it, and we love it.

There are two types of assholes. The brown dirty asshole (to be referred to as Fucko) who attempts to cause problems, creates trouble, and thinks of how they can create difficulties for other people.

The second type is the clean asshole (to be referred to as victim of circumstance). This person takes on the asshole status due to a situation that has happened. This is the lesser of the two evils, but none the less an asshole.

WE meet here as a group not to condemn assholes as a whole, but to recognize assholish situations. Image if you will...

You are driving to school or work, singing to your favorite CD, when some asshole in a little red sports car cuts you off, and then speeds away. You step on the accelerator to catch up with the slick haired guy who just cut you off. You catch up with the Fucko, blow your horn, and show him your favorite finger. Some kid driving with his mom in the family station wagon sees your finger, and asks his mother, who is a devout Jehovah's Witness, what the finger means. Although your actions were a direct result of Fucko #1 in the sports car, the mother of the little kid now considers you an asshole, making you a victim of circumstance.

Now that we have better defined what an asshole is, we must stand and be proud. My name is Fuckaroo Bonzai, and I'm an Asshole. Next time someone asks you "Why did you do that?" Respond proudly "Because I'm an asshole." The next time someone asks a favor of you, tell them to piss off. Let the inner asshole out.

In the next issue of Fitshaced we will hold another meeting of Asshole's Anonymous where you the members will read other Asshole's stories.

If you have an asshole story, send it in.

Fuckaroo Bonzai